A hard week

This last week has been a hard one for me. I’ve fallen out of my normal routine of work, gym, and a day or two for myself to spend freely. Normally after four or five days of fulfilling obligations, I feel like I’ve earned a day to watch my shows, drive up to an old town to study at a coffee shop, paint, or whatever it is that puts me at peace and gives me a moment of happiness. This last week, though, I am starting to feel that hopelessness again. I feel like I just don’t have the energy to do all that I’m supposed to do.

I woke up early the other morning, which is unusual for me, and laid there in bed for a little while. I had promised myself I’d make it in to work (thankfully I’m able to write my own schedule). Unfortunately, there was this sadness in me that turned into fear of facing the world. It’s a feeling I deal with often. The thought of walking through the doors and having to smile at people, say hello to people, act like I’m not so depressed. It sounded exhausting. I laid under the covers for a while and half-listened to the Family Guy episode I’d put on TV. I felt like coming out from under those covers would be the hardest thing in the world. I even cried a little while, my heart felt so heavy.

I’ve faced work since that day and all the tension and fears I had built up in my mind was just that – a build-up in my mind. I’m cared about at my job and given more understanding than you could ever ask for. My schedule is mine to create and flexible. Yet, I “fall off the wagon” a few days, and I get myself to feeling like I can’t face anything. Same goes for nearly everything in my life. I haven’t been to the gym in over a week, which brings on a lot of self-loathing for me. I overcame an eating disorder years ago and it hasn’t been back – but I guess there will always be part of me that feels that my body will never be where I want it. I’m just not willing to go to such lengths as I used to. At least I have found strength in me to fight that one off. Still, the “not good enough” feeling is always looming over me.

I know it to be a fact that if I walked through the gym doors no one would have ever noticed I was gone – but it feels like I have to re-learn how to go every time I miss a few days. It must be the anxiety part of depression. I feel like I can’t handle even the simplest parts of life.

I think I need to make it to the gym today. Not so much for my physical health as my mental health. It will help me face what I get so afraid of – disappearing from the world and then having to be a part of it again. I know I can’t hide in my apartment forever.

I am so tired of feeling like getting up in the morning is hard, going to work is hard, life is so hard. My life is not that hard, but it feels like the end of the world when I have a full day ahead of me. I feel I can’t tackle it. I feel ill-equipped to put on a brave face. I always feel like when I walk through the doors at work, the gym, school, anywhere – I feel like they all know I’m behind on everything. That I can’t keep up emotionally like normal people can. I feel like they all hold it against me and judge me for it, even though they probably don’t give me a second thought after the initial “Hello.”

I know that I have to face the world. I need to go to the gym and school today. I need to get back to work tomorrow and work hard this week. The question is, how do you even start when getting out from under the covers seems more than you can handle? I know you all must have felt this way before. I know I am not alone. Even knowing that, though, I still feel so alone. There are days I find myself becoming a hermit- becoming anti-social when I’m one of the most talkative and passionate people you could meet. I have a big and loving heart, but it’s so heavy and so sad. Like there’s an anchor tied to it. I feel disappointed in myself, but there are so many days I wish I could just give up – tap out. I feel that telling people “I’m good” is a facade. I’m not good. I’m exhausted. Tired of everything. It took so much energy to open the laptop to write this – but I needed to vent to those who understand. I know you all do. Thank you for your time.

-Nicole

First Post by Nicole B: Why I’m Here

Hello,

I have been looking for a place to start a blog. I’ve intended to do it for a long time, but didn’t really know where to start. I suppose I’ll be using this as a place to write out my thoughts, use as somewhat of an online journal, and see what kind of feedback I can receive from others. I guess what I’m really looking for is a place to talk and connect with people. I am struggling lately with feeling that those around me are not on the same page as I am. I struggle a great deal with depression, and sometimes when I feel that others around me are not on the same page as I am, I am left feeling that I am battling it all alone. I may have their emotional support, but not a full understanding. I am drifting, by choice, from someone that I was once very close to which has put extra weight on my heart lately as I wonder if it is the right decision. So I suppose that’s why I’m here – to get something (not sure yet what it is) from all of you that I am simply not getting in life at this time.

On paper, my life is good. I have a decent job, my family is healthy, and I have been in a steady relationship for six years. But those of you who understand or suffer from depression will understand when I say that I just can’t seem to achieve something that seems so simple-happiness. It’s almost like it eludes me completely, no matter the positive changes and efforts I make in my life. Believe me when I say, the common and generic advice of “Live every day to the fullest!” and “Live in the moment” type of advice nearly turns my stomach at this point. I understand it comes from all the right places. But really, do they honestly believe that hasn’t occurred to me? I think what those people don’t understand is that for those of us who struggle with deep depression, it’s not as simple as that. I exercise, take my anti-depressants, sleep, do things I enjoy. Yet there seems to be an anchor in my heart stopping me from fully feeling joy. It may come in spurts, but never seems to last. It really is like being followed by a dark cloud, no matter how good your situation is.

I guess what I’m really needing is a place to open up. A place to talk to others who may feel this way. Some understanding and maybe a connection with someone who might be able to help me see things differently. I know I am far from being the only person who suffers from this – from what I understand it’s extremely common to suffer from depression, but I suppose part of the problem with depression is just that – it leaves you feeling absolutely alone even in a room full of people.

I hope to make some connections on this site. I’d love to hear others’ stories and feel safe talking about this here. There’s just some things your family can’t understand, your coworkers shouldn’t know, and even your closest friends can’t help with. I hope to hear back from someone soon. This is just my first post, just wanted to let you all know why I’m here.┬áThank you for your time.